A hard providence.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

To say the past few years have brought me much heartache would be an understatement. I have shed many tears. Looking back I see God's goodness to me. His care for me so clear and kind and loving even in times of hard providence. Hard province. The word embodies a difficult mix of truths and emotions and while I rest in God's sovereignty I struggle with it as well.

The Saturday before his death was pleasant. My airplane arrived two days prior and I speedily drove in my tiny rented car and turned in the driveway of my childhood home. He greeted me with his typical warmth. A smile. A hug. A fake surprised expression on his face. He knew it wasn't going to pass up an opportunity to visit for a short kid-less weekend before his surgery. (Jill spilled the beans and told him I was coming to see him!). The surgery the following Monday would would change our lives in a drastic way. On Saturday Brandt, Dad, and I went boating. I felt the urgency to enjoy the moment and I am thankful I capture that day with a few photographs, wonderful moments with my Dad, and peace about the future. He always reassured me. Rescued me from difficult times. Loved me.

I guess I had thought about this day, but never truly imagined how my heart would break as I watched his heart beat fade and his body be left here on earth. Grief. Heartache. Sad. Angry that I didn't have the knowledge of my good God who took his servant home. Sad that I couldn't say one more thing to him. This was truly a hard providence.

Summer is lovely. Where have I been?

It is amazing to me that I have not written on this blog in SO long. Time. Time is quick and my time is so occupied by darlings (now ages 3,6,7). Oh how I love them. My hope is to blog again. Just for me. For my memories and to share with family and friends who don't live next door. ;) 

Jack is always into some sort of trouble. Yesterday I woke up to shep the collie and Jack enjoying an ice cream come on the sofa. 

This is jack at wet n wild. He found a stage and 5 preteens to entertain. 

Spring break day four.

Workday for mommy!

I am an occupational therapist (best profession on the planet!) Did I mention I love my job? Well I do. I really do.

All of the children that I work with some kind of disability. Right now I'm working in a school district. A very rural school district. The town is small. Which I like. The people are not in a rush and very sweet. Which I also like.

My kids, as in my kids in my home, ( I have to clarify that because I call my work kids my kids too and that gets a bit confusing), love hearing funny stories about my other kids, at work. And vice versa.

In general most of my kids at school like me. Who wouldn't? Nice lady comes to the room with a smile, you get to leave and go play for 30 minutes and then come back to class. Sounds great to me.

But occasionally I do have those kids who just don't like me. For example, I see a little girl with autism who looks at me and starts crying. She barely says words. But she loves telling me bye-bye. And I have another boy in high school who refuses to work with me at all. He seriously sits there and says no again and again and again. Fold his arms. And turned his back to me. The teacher thinks it is absolutely hilarious.

I am thankful to be in the lives of these children as well. They are sweet babies made in the image of God.

Spring break day three

Today the boys and I went to the Arizona puppet theater. The play was Peter Rabbit!! It was actually really good! Jack hasn't been out much, so he was thrilled beyond words. When the bunny first appeared on stage he kept yelling, "Peter Rabbit! Peter Bunny!!" So much so in fact that I had to take him out. We then returned and sat toward the back of the small theater.

He continued a running commentary... "Bunny, Peter Bunny, Carrot..." And then appeared Mr. McGregor. He was rather large puppet. A farmer. Jack screamed...

"Jesus!!!" "Jesus!!!" "Jesus!!"

Oh my goodness!!! Mr. McGregor looked nothing like Jesus, but jack was convinced. I tried to quiet him down and gently say, " this is Mr. McGregor, the mean farmer!"

Big mistake. At this point he decided he didn't like Mr. McGregor and began saying, "I don't like it.... I don't like it!!"

So the puppet play ended and Jack was still quite convinced that this scary puppet farmer was "Jesus" and he "didn't like it."

As you can see from the pictures... Johnny was quite pleased with the entire experience! ;)

Spring break day two

Shaving cream.
Trampolines.
Water balloons.
Warm sunny days.
& collie dogs.

Need I say more.

unedited life. joyful & teary.

The tiny feet peeking out from beneath the soft hospital blanket tonight made me realize that I would not hold "my own" baby again. The tears that I felt coming as I held my friend's boy (he was so warm, sweet, new...) were not all sadness, they were joyful. So joyful for this life. The sweet boy less than 12 hours away from the warmth of his mother's womb. Life given by his great creator God. :) simply joyful.

I fought them back, those tears which came so suddenly, until I was driving home. Then I cried out to my God as I have done so often in the past two years... why? I want more babies. sigh. I really do. :)

Yes, I have three beautiful boys. Yes, I am blessed. Yes, I know in God's good plan and my time of having babies in my arms (my own babies) is over. Sometimes I think we need to just be hit hard by the reality of things to fully understand them. For me, I did not choose to stop having babies. it just happened and now I see how hard it must be for those who could never have them at all. I am so sorry for never understanding their pain until now. And yet I have three, so I don't fully understand their pain, do I?

So like I said, the reality hit me hard tonight as I held my friend's newborn son. AND knowing that I will hold more in months and years to come. For that I am joyful. To have friends who welcome me into their hospital room to live life with them, celebrate with them, and love them by taking joy in their joy!

There is something about babies. The smell of newness. The miniature sounds that they make. The squinty eyes and funny shapes heads that just melts my heart. And now. And now I know that my time is done.
Heart sinks.
Knowing also that it really isn't done. I have those friends who need a baby held. Who feel loved simply by me loving their child. So as I see my friends having children I must know that God is good and my heart must run from bitterness and run into HIS goodness. For me. For my three sweet babies who will still sit in my lap, give me kisses, and call me Mom!

Thankful for friends who answer teary phone calls and text messages from me late at night and encourage me with words and scripture and warm laughter. 

Spring break day one

Today we learned how to change tires on the bikes! Thanks Dad for showing me how to do this as a kid! Now I can. Teach my fun boys how to do it!!!

Fairytale ball & life.

I had to laugh this am as I posted a cute pic of my boys all dressed up for Benjamin's fairytale ball at school. The pic looked precious because my boys are quite cute... But also because I was saying, "you boys look so pretty in your princess dresses!" That always make them laugh.
To unlock that Facebook filter and see things in reality is good sometimes... Here is really what the am was like.
I couldn't get Benjamin out of bed. He was crying and not wanting to attend this "boring" fairytale ball at his school. It was pretty pathetic actually, me practically yelling, him crying, the dog barking, and Johnny slowing waking and wondering what on earth was happening in the room next to his! I eventually passed the fairytale villain off to his father -- for fear I might damage my relationship with this emotionally charged bundle of boy.

I can't believe how long I have missed in posting... Lots to catch up on!! ;)

A map to treats.

The smell of cookies gave my kids a slightly rebellious, yet highly creative, idea the other night. I thought the little rascals were in bed, when I heard all kinds of silliness coming from their room in the form of laughter (their mystevious plans), crashing (i think johnny jumping triumphantly off the bunk bed), and then whispers (as they realized my approaching footsteps). B pushed something under his pillow with a sneaky grin. It was a map. This one....

Johnny's name is written on the top. Not sure how much of a part he had in that, but it is quite incriminating. This was their plan to sneak past me and enter into the yummy smelling kitchen and steal a cookie. The best thing about this plan was the actual execution of it! They must have tried 5 times in various ways to get past my line of vision into the kitchen. ahhh. I just love these guys.