I am sure you have noticed the little pink ribbons spread all over town: they are in windows, on t-shirts, stuck to cars, on coffee mugs, & hats. Every Football game sports the lovely pink!! I am not sure I ever really paid them too much attention. Last week i felt a wave of nausea every time I ventured into a store, knowing my eyes would gaze upon those stupid little ribbons. A hurtful reminder of the unknown that now was my reality. Those were for ME! Those ribbons reminded me of how hard my life suddenly had become...
Prior to our actual diagnosis last week we were encouraged by a sweet, but inexperienced, ultra-sound tech to join "Race for the Cure." (Did I mention that this was BEFORE my actual diagnosis had been made?) I saw my husband's face turn a cool shade of white when she enthusiastically said, "YOU get to wear the pink shirt! They are for the cancer patients and survivors! I have always wanted to wear the PINK shirt!" :(
Really??
I kindly told her she could have my pink shirt (AND BALD HEAD, AND SICK STOMACH, AND FEARFUL NIGHTS, AND HEART BREAK, AND....). hint hint..."shut up because we are not ready to talk about this yet"... She did not take the hint and kept talking. I really wanted to throw up on the "race for the cure" paperwork (pink shirt and all) and run out the door crying!!!
Tear. Tear.
(on a positive note: Joshua was able to bring this tech a sermon brochure from our church... something she requested... how amazing to see things work out for God's glory even under difficult circumstances.)
This week I have a new perspective on things. After much praying, crying, praying, crying, praying, (did i mention crying?) we have a grasp on this diagnosis and I would happily support race for the cure and I might even sport a bright pink shirt!
It is a process. It is a grieving. It is a graciousness of my Lord who sustains me along the way. This is a testing of my faith like I have never experienced before and I find myself running to the ONE who gives me strength. Thankful for His faithfulness and perfect ability to help me be steadfast! Jesus alone is my strength.
I have thought often of this verse in James 1:2-4:
"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."
update: Today my dad and I went to the chemotherapy nurse to be educated. I am not sure I want to know that the "red devil" chemical going into my veins could burn OFF my skin if it touches me! great. let's flood my body with that fun stuff?! I am not sure I want to know that I will be bombarded by not only the "red Devil" but two other drugs. Drugs which KILL rapidly dividing cells (ie: hair, nails, cancer...) (lets focus on the cancer). :) I also got a Rx for a wig. I think I am just going to go with the bald scarf look!
So, chemotherapy starts Monday. I will be getting chemo on Mondays every other week for 16 weeks. Yes, FOUR months. Then surgery. Then radiation...
How can you pray...
Please pray that these drugs are affective at killing my cancer cells. pray that they are kind to the rest of my cells.
Please pray that my heart does not get discouraged as I face sick days, sleepless nights, and less time with my little ones.
Please pray that God heals me. Really heals my body so I can live for His Glory and raise my precious children! Oh how I worry about them. Oh how I love them so!!!
5 comments:
Cari - I've thought and prayed for you so much this week. Thanks for this honest post and the ways to pray. We're praying for you. We love you so much and will keep praying for healing... thanks for these blog posts. Keep us updated.
Praying for you every day Cari...
- Don
Oh, how we are praying that God would grant you strength, perserverance, and joy in this trial! It's already been such an encouragement to see how you are handling this. Be strong in the Lord and take courage! We love you Vincents!
Love,
Krista for the Morans
Cari - you are such an encouragement. Of course there have been and will be hard days, but you always come back to the right focus - God! I am so thankful that God brought you to my life. I can vouch that the Race For The Cure is an amazing experience it just fills my heart with so much hope seeing all these women in one place, fighting against and supporting the same thing. I've walked this walk for years, because distant relatives had breast cancer, so maybe I would get it.... And then my mom was diagnosed.... This walk took on such a whole new meaning for me and for her. I remember my mom going through a period of thinking those little pink ribbons aren't so cool, but now they are 99% of her wardrobe, house decoration, etc. They are a little sign from God that you're never alone. I would be honored to sponsor your walk, if you haven't already registered.... I am going next Friday after work to register myself, my mom, Michael, Laura, my friend and others and would love to register you guys too....
Cari, thank you for your transparency here. I'll be praying for you and your family through all this. It sounds awful.
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