My Rock and my Fortress: I have breast cancer.

A week ago today I was worried about car pool lines, my hair acting like i belonged in a circus, and a cavity that had crept into my front right tooth. I was over reacting to my husband's clothes on the floor, complaining about finances & budgets, and wondering what time my kids would go to be so i could sit down.

Today I see things differently.

This has officially been the most trying week of my life.

I have breast cancer.

That is even hard to write. It is difficult to see myself as the one who has the big C. You know, that scary monster C that everyone else seems to get, but never "me." I am young. I just had a baby. I am nursing. Come on, there is just no way that big C could be me?!

Yes. I have breast cancer. (thought it might be easier to write that time. no. not really.)

At first I thought it to be unremarkable, just another lumpy bump associated with nursing. After a few days it did not go away. It did not move. It did not change. It started to give me the creeps. I knew I had cancer. I just knew it. Everyone tried to convince me otherwise as I talked with ladies or my husband about my concerns. I just knew it. I was terrified.

So last Monday I ventured to my OBGYN to have this creepy thing checked out. (kind of weird to talk about my breasts on here, but they play an important role in this entire mess). He got really quiet. I knew that wasn't good. He wrote in his little computer without making a sound. The only time I have seen Dr. Sawyer quiet was when Jack was being born in an insanely fast five minutes. He was quiet then but he was super quiet now. Finally, I confessed my totally anxiety to him. He grabbed my hands and prayed with me (yes, he is a treasure of a Doc. he loves Jesus!!).

Before I knew it I was hooked (or should I say Squished) up to a mammogram machine (hummm I wonder what those are called. i will have to find that one out). Then quietly I was taken to have an ultrasound. Before I knew it my heart hit the floor as the Radiologist, Dr. T., explained to me that she was over 75% sure this was a malignant tumor. The biopsies (yes three of them) were planned for the next day... after 24 horrible hours of waiting.... and waiting... and waiting....

I got the call.

Joshua had just left the house. It was a Thursday afternoon. Benjamin was at Violin lessons, baby was crying, and Johnny was restless. My phone rang. The first words out of the mouth of the radiologist was, "Cari, I do NOT have good news! Do you need to give your husband the baby?"

Suddenly I was a 33 year old mother and wife with cancer. Infiltrating Ductal Carsinoma. UGH. The sound of those words hurt my heart. I felt sick! Things changed.

We grieved more that night than I believe I ever have in my entire life. Our hearts felt broken, sad, lost, angry, betrayed... Not knowing what to do Joshua and I sat in bed, cried, and bowed before our King! What a sweet and bitter time that I will never forget. The only sweetness was the taste of comfort that we found in Him and His mighty promises. Oh how I love my Jesus!!!

This verse has been on my heart all week! Praise God for his word that takes my fearful sinful flesh and helps me gaze on his goodness.

Psalm 18
I love you, O LORD, my strength.
The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,
my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised,
and I am saved from my enemies.
The cords of death encompassed me;
the torrents of destruction assailed me;*
the cords of Sheol entangled me;
the snares of death confronted me.
In my distress I called upon the LORD;
to my God I cried for help.
From his temple he heard my voice,
and my cry to him reached his ears.