TODAY & THE LAST DAY.

People tell me all the time that I am brave. That is very kind.

I am not so brave. really, i am not.

I wish with all my heart that I had received good news on Thursday September 22nd. I wish Dr. T. had called and said, "Cari, I have great news," instead of, "Cari, I do not have good news. Can you give the baby to someone?"

I wanted to drop the phone and run back two years, to a safe place where cancer wasn't a word I knew much about. But i couldn't. I was too frozen with terror to even gracefully answer the question. No. I couldn't give the baby to anyone, because Josh had just dropped Benjamin off at Violin practice. I was home alone with Johnny and Jack (3 months old at the time). I put Jack down on the living room floor and just let him cry while I grabbed a marker and a flyer from the mail pile to scribble on. My heart busted out of my chest and I pleaded with God, "PLEASE NO!!!! NOT THIS!!!"

I am not brave.

I wish with all my heart that this had never happened to me. That I was a healthy 34 year old mom worried about laundry and diapers and coupons. I hate coupons and I wish I had to worry about clipping them or buying clothes, or finding a pretty pair of shoes in stead of wondering if my will is correct, or if this will be my last Easter, or if my kids will be raised by someone else. I want to cry because someone hurt my feelings not because I ache in pain from chemo. I want to pout about my bad haircut and not stare in awe at my bald head, fleeting eye lashes, and empty brow line.

I have wished so many times that I would wake up and this would not have really happened to me. Yet here i am.

I have to awaken to my new reality and some days it is really hard.

I am sure one day i will see the good in this plan.

I am sure one day, whether it be an earthy one or a heavenly one, I will see. I am eager.

Until then I have taken these words from a new friend, who also has young children and is fighting cancer...

"....the bible really only talks about 2 days – that is, TODAY, and THE LAST DAY. For all other days, God has not chosen to reveal to us exactly what will happen and He wants us to trust Him. Praise God, we know what will happen on the LAST DAY…we will be with Him and our Savior with all the angels and saints praising Him forever. It’s okay (and good) to focus on THAT day. Then, there is TODAY. TODAY, I am a wife, a mother, a church member, daughter, friend, etc.. This is where we need to focus – on what God has called us to be and do TODAY. Everything that comes between these two days – that is, what will happen to me next week, next month, next year is NOT what we should be focusing and thinking about. That “in the middle place” is a place of great doubt and fear and, essentially a place of unbelief. DO NOT get dragged into that place and when you find yourself stuck there – fight to get back to the safe places – TODAY and THE LAST DAY."

I tell myself this everyday!!!! EVERYDAY!

I have mentioned this before but I must state it again. When we lived in KY as a newly married couple Joshua and I attended a Wednesday night Bible study at our church. Aaron M. was taking us thorough Matthew & every Wed night he would read the chapter out loud. So, I can still hear Aaron reading Matthew 6.  Many moments over the past few months I have heard the following echoing in my mind (so much like he is right there reading it... sometimes it makes me laugh). God knew I needed these verses firmly grounded in my heart. Thanks Aaron for your teaching way back in 2005.

25 e“Therefore I tell you, fdo not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 gLook at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. hAre you not of more value than they? 27 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his ispan of life?7 28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29 yet I tell you, jeven Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, kO you of little faith? 31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For lthe Gentiles seek after all these things, and myour heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But nseek first othe kingdom of God and his righteousness, pand all these things will be added to you.

34 q“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.